⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, ⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

These two last weeks, the choir I am in had to learn three new songs for Dinner Rally, a dinner where the Alums are invited and asked to donate money to the school. This money is mainly used for scholarships. One of those songs really hit me and couldn’t get it out my head for the life of me.

It goes as follows:

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come Thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
And teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I’ll praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be
And let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Performed by Passion Band

I’ve tried not to put a Christian spin onto everything I write, to respect anyones’ beliefs that reads this, but hear me out.

With the event that happened in my life this summer I have been very jaded in the whole Christian thing. I have really let my spiritual life wander, I haven’t had that calling to fix it. These words have really spoken to me. It reminded me of the promised that I had made at the beginning of the year, you know, the one I said I was going to take break from dating. I’m going to take some time and find myself.

No Really. I noticed that in the last two years I’ve been in two really serious relationships. I’ve changed, the situations around have changed, and I am going to try and let God show me what to do with life. If I am feeling discontent with my life there has to be a reason and hopefully God can give me some direction.

So in response to this I’ve decide to take thing off hold with Claudia and just let it go. Completely break it off. No, ‘just in case’ or ‘if by this time’.

I give my heart to the Lord, for Him to take and seal it, to Seal it for Thy courts above. For Him to show me His way.

Recently I was able to attend the musical, Wicked, at the Pantages in Hollywood. It’s not the same as going to a musical in Broadway, but because I was doing it, I tried to do it in style. I was able to have a great time with friends and just enjoy great (good?) theater. Seeing that theater is not my forte, I have had some sort of urge to become more of a patron of the arts. I’m trying to stretch myself a bit more of out my comfort zone with going to see plays and art galleries and probably going to the LA Phil sometime soon. So if anyone knows of things or want to go to any function just tell me and I will try to make time.

I have tons a great things happen to me recently, jobs in the area have been blooming, I’ve been having great times with friends, I’ve been invited to two conferences, money wise I’m doing well. Yet, I feel discontent. To clarify, I will be very specific with the definition of discontent.

discontent |ˌdiskənˈtent|
noun
lack of contentment; dissatisfaction with one’s circumstances

It does not say or mean that I am not happy or that I am sad. It just states that I am not satisfied with my circumstances. The problem is that I don’t know with what circumstance(s) I am not satisfied with. I’ve been as social as possible, I’ve been actually been trying to practice when I can. There really isn’t a way I am able to explain in words. It just something that is missing but it not a lacking of it. I understand that this doesn’t make sense but this is the best way I am able explain it.

Maybe, I feel like this because I should be doing more with what I have. Yet, I have not idea what that could entail. It doesn’t seem like I have a emptiness in my life, its more like there is something I could be doing to compliment what I already have to just tip me over to feeling better.

I was at my old church, with my parents in the what used to be the building that church owned. The pastor was preaching from the pulpit and I was in the sound booth like every other sunday. Behind me was was the pastor wife with a small child that keep crying all through out the service and I kept on thinking ‘The only reason she is not asked to leave the sanctuary is because she’s the pastor wife.’ Service comes to an end. The pastor does his meet and greet, but as he walks by my father, he becomes rabid, yelling at the top of his lung blasphemies against my father and my family. Calling him a rat and hissing. I come up to the side of him and start shouting, “In the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior, the one true King, I condemn you for you abominations.” This take him as a surprise seeing that it is not in my nature to do such a thing.

After that things get quite and I woke up.

For those out of the loop. Earlier this year the pastor of the church I attended for about five years sold the building the church owned with out consensus of of the congregation for about 2.5 million dollars. Five months prior to that he have refinanced the building and got equity for at least $500,000. He never told the congregation how much he was paid. My father, and a few others, tried to remove him for his post, but before they could get more followers he was threaten to leave the church. This was in April. I never returned to the church to serve.

In the last few months I have heard that he keep on ‘dismissing’ people that did not support his ideas of reformation in his church. He moved to Texas but yet wants to be the pastor of the church here in Los Angeles. He was to drive every so often, but still get paid while he is in Texas not helping a flock. He has no intentions of buying a new sanctuary for those that are left.

I am very sadden that I had to go through this. I sadden many people have to go through this.

In the coming weeks I am going to post some of the ‘conversations’ between the pastor and some of those that did not think like him. Sadly these so called conversations are in Spanish so some might not understand them. They are all recored in analog cassette and then digitized. I am just going to EQ them a bit an remove some hissing. I seems that I have had them long enough and know I need to show those around me what really is happening. I apologize for those that will be offended, I Love in Christ, but I really think this what GOD want me to do. Show the real Francisisco Suarez to the world. Johnny, Danny; this is nothing against you, I just need to show everyone what your father is really like. I’ll keep both of you in my prayers.

Not the pastor, but the man that controlled a church and ran out with over 3 million dollars of church funds with out even a goodbye.

God Almighty! He’s ruined my life! But for as long as I draw breath,
and for as long as God breathes life into me, I refuse to say one word that isn’t true.
I refuse to confess to any charge that’s false. There is no way I’ll ever agree to your accusations.

I’ll not deny my integrity even if it costs me my life. I’m holding fast to my integrity and not loosening my grip—
and, believe me, I’ll never regret it.

The Message

I used to go to a great church in Reseda, it’s about a 20 minute drive from where I live. It was a great hispanic church with about 1200 members strong. A thriving youth group of 150+ a week and great fellowship but in the past few years things have been changing. People that where high up in the church government have been leaving the church without even saying good byes. The pastor started threatening that that he was going to pack up and leave the church if people weren’t committed, from the pulpit. The times I saw it coming, I would turn his mic down. Mainly because visitors should not be expose to these types of things, especially if they are not believers. I would get some flak but I knew how hold my ground.

My family was actively involve in church. My mother was the president of the women’s fellowship for three years and my father held various positions in the men’s fellowship. I was actively involved in planning sermons, music, and concerts. I was also involved in youth ministry but to a lower extent. I helped mold the sound of the church into a great sounding hall. I spend countless hours fine turning levels, Eq, fixing broken speakers, amps and soldering yards over yards of mic cables.

Since last winter, the once thriving church has dwindle down a couple hundred people. The temple which was once own has been sold for an undisclosed sum. My parents, primarily my father, wanted to see why this was the case. My father being somewhat educated in how business are run believes that church is sitting on about 2.3 million dollars, not adding that the church has refinance last August for another undisclosed sum. My father has also gone through all the trouble of trying to talk with the conference which we thought the church belong to, which at this point is no longer the case. The pastor made the decision of changing conference without notifying the congregation. My father like any concerned person started asking around if anyone knew why these things where happening without notification to anyone and that these thing clearly violated the church own constitution. After a few weeks my father acquired a few followers, people wanted answers. Soon after there was a private meeting with the deacons, the pastor and these people that wanted answers.

I don’t not know all the facts, I really don’t want to know. The rumor, which seems like it will happen and soon, is that the pastor has ‘bought’ some of the deacons to sign the paper to sell the church, start leading the church badly, therefore making people leave, and then move to Texas with a lot of change in his pocket. My father brought this up and there where many that opposed this, but many other people that had worked closely with the pastor and have left the church have given slight clue that this is the case. Either way, when confronted instead of revealing that everything ok, showing the books, explaining why he has done these things, threaten my parent to never to return to the church.

I’m very young in my walk with God but doesn’t that kind of defeat the idea of Christianity. I thought that only the Pope could kick you out of church, by excommunication. I for one doubt anyone can ban you from the house of God.
My parents have left church but have kept in touch with great fellow brothers and sisters of christ have stayed behind to try to mend the problems of the church.

I’ve been close with a lot people that have recently left church, and they all don’t want to talk about because, mainly they don’t want to have a confrontation similar to what my parent had.

This past Saturday I went to the church to give the project studio some basic maintenance, and see if I can pull up some of my old project and remix them. As I arrived I saw a ton of new people that I had never seen, I was happy. But as I went into the project studio I was stunned and stopped in my tracks when my key no longer worked.

After asking around I found out that all of the gear had been ‘sold’. (A friend of mine says that the ‘church’ has a storage unit which all the gear is at.) I felt sadden to say the least, and then the Pastor came up to me and tried to explain to me that because my parent had been ‘let go’ I no longer have any clout in the church; I had been in a stripped of my membership of the church. I responded, by asking him where is he getting such crap from.

To my knowledge everyone is welcomed at any church at anytime which the church is open. Let me remind you this is the same church I worked at last year as a youth coordinator for high school student. I gave studies for the youth service and Sunday school. To be told I have not more clout and am not welcomed anymore seems a bit extreme. All I have to say, if you have nothing to hide, show your cards.

I am not going to return not because I was told not to, but because I really think that I have done what I had to do in that church. It’s my time to look for another one and start from the bottom. I really don’t mind. If Jesus came down and serve his disciples, why no me?

I am not mad but ashamed, people like this give Christianity a bad name. Non-believers see pastors that run out with the church money and then say, why should I convert?

May God have sympathy and compassion upon his soul. May those who follow him, see the light before its too late.

This in no way hinders my beliefs in God, it just goes to show that one does not follow a man but the everlasting Father. One is to follow what the Bible instructs us to do. I am now going to continue to do what God want me to do, I will look for another church where I can share my gifts and have fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ.

I also regret not saying good bye to tons of people at school.

It just seems like GOD has recently opened all the doors for me to walk through them. First, I was able to get an interview last winter, while they where closed for winter break, mind you. Then I was accepted. In the recent weeks I have com across the opportunity of buying a Loft in New York at very reasonable price, which at the time am following through in the purchase half and half with my father.

I understand that this might not make much sense, but maybe it does. I have recently gotten sick of being in this city with its pop-culture style which I had to keep up with as a part of my job. I really just want to get back to the music and talent, not appearances.

I will still be in LA until the first week of July, but I will be very busy with work and working out new contacts in Boston and New York for job opportunities.

Claudia and I have discussed this. It seems like we have waited this long to be together what would an extra nine months be. She has also applied to NYU hoping to secure herself a spot in their Pre-Med Program.

All through tour I was very secretive about this, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be a cause of sadness. At our last concert I left anything on the floor; didn’t hold back what so ever. I was free but I realize that I will never be as close to so many guys that think, act and trust God as I do.

As I type this I cannot stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.

There will be many people I will miss and because I am not the same person I was three years ago this move will and has affected me profoundly. I was not able to say goodbye because I couldn’t.

You only say bye to those you will see again. I am not sure I will ever see any one again. So I bit you adieu.

Blessings on you house and Family.

Saturday was basically hang out with Claudia and we talk about how we have changed so much in the last year and a half and how we are now both on the same page and whatnot. Not to bore you with the details, we are currently dating. Sunday, I had a Men’s Chorale Concert from 3 to around 9 then i had to do theory homework, work a few mix downs, and start working on ‘contracts’ for the concert I will be putting on in late April at my school. During that exact time I should had been in a study section for Baroque Music. Luckily I was able to get the notes for a friend and cram a month and a half worth of Baroque in about 9 hours.

Monday came around and it actually seemed like the longest day ever. I went to classes, while fasting (side note: My walk with God is not as good as it should be therefore I am trying to become closer to Him and letting Him guide my career, seeing that I want to break into new Music Market such as Seattle and Boston), then went out with great people for dinner. After that some of my friends wanted to go see the St. John’s Choir from Germany with the Chris Walden Big Band…. to say the least, everyone I talked to feel asleep. Today was different, I went to my voice lesson, something I’m not a fan of, and I was, on pitch. It was a good lesson then all my classes where good. But what just took the cake today, is the great recording session my Audio Recording 2 class had at our neighboring college, Citrus College. We recorded a song from a great guy named, Scott Ryan. It was a very big learning experience for most of them, as most of them haven’t done any studio recording and the learning curve is pretty high.

As you can see I have a lot to do, this involves my personal life, my social life, my school work and work in general, but you know what? I love it. I must confess that I would be happier if I didn’t have to take theory or voice lessons but I have grown as an Audio Engineer through these classes. My ear has gotten better and when I am with a singer I know exactly what to say or show them what to do to get the sound I am looking for. I enjoy the people I have met here but I am only here for an education but that does not automatically mean that I will break into the Music Industry. One of my professors, Mike Lee, just wrote a blog and it just spoke to me. It reaffirmed what I am already doing. Yes, I am at a great institution of higher learning trying to get a B.A. in Commercial Music with an Emphasis in Audio Engineering and Music Business. In the industry that means squat.

I luckily started early at a church and love what I do. I seriously believe that if I didn’t have bills to pay or pay for school out of my pocket I would just record, mix and master for free. Heck, I do it for people here at school. I just thank God that He gave me this talent, this ability to be able to hear an unfinished song or a rough mix and create something beautiful. I do it because I love it, music is my life, I may not be able to sing well or play an instrument but I can set up and tear down, I can mic an entire recording session, I talk to the artist and try to understand what they want to convey with their song so I mix it to the style of what hey want to say, but I also enjoy have the creative license of just taking something and making it a part of me. I thank those who have encouraged me and have help develop my ear, mixing abilities, my production techniques and have kept me in their prayers.

I do not aspire to be a Grammy Award Winning Audio Engineer (It wouldn’t be a bad thing if I were) but I aspire to help those that want to create song with meaning and a story. I want to be happy and that everything I do is in remembrance of God. May I not forget that I was once lost and God found me and gave me this gift for His purpose and I shall do His will.

Soli Deo Glori (To Him be the Gloria)

Jesu, Juva (Jesus Helped)

Day One-

At this point in time I’m some where over the Atlantic Ocean. I got to New York earlier than expected, so I changed my flight to Madrid to an earlier flight, ensuring me that I would get to Madrid earlier. I called the Hotel and changed my reservations. As I was checking in for my flight to madrid I was bumped into First class, which is a nice bonus.

Now, I’m trying to reflect on the events of my life that have brought me here. I’m in a haze of emotion trying to figure out what will come next. My mind is scattered and it seems like I’m on autopilot; all the things I do are thing I have to do, I have to go to school, I have to see this person or that person.

So much has changed in my life recently, family, friends, me. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognize who I am. I’m a totally different person. Sometimes I wonder, if I where to disappear, would anyone notice?

I have contemplated the notion for some time now, just go somewhere where no one know your name. Where your forced to see yourself in the mirror and get to know yourself.

Death affect all of us, some more than others. For me, I wasn’t close to my uncle; I met him once when I was ten. I was young then, didn’t understand much. It just seems weird that he would leave me something in his will, but then again, I am the next male in the family and by tradition I would be next in line for the ‘Sanchez Estate’ (this includes family heirlooms, real estate, capital, and personal mementos). If this where the case, I have already talked to a lawyer about my situation, the entire estate will be given to the rightful owner, my mom, by signing to receive the estate and then transferring ownership to her. In this legal form, it is expressed that I am not to know what the estate entails, therefore not clouding my judgement. I should get some rest before I land.

Day Two-

Late Morning-

It’s about 11:30 am here, so it should be around 2:30 am back home, I’m tired and jet lagged. Everything here seems very different. I’ve been in Europe before, but it just seems very different this time around. I have been wondering around the city, seeing that I arrived at 10:10, a bit earlier than my 3 pm check- in for my hotel reservations. The more I look around the more it seems that I am really misplaced; I am descendant of a Spaniard, but I have no cultural knowledge, other of the wine tasting and the ability to have late dinners. Other than that I’m in no way a Spaniard. I see the way people interact, how they speak. I feel left out, a feeling of emptiness. I’m just so drained from school and the flight that I barely know where I am. I know that I have to check in my hotel at 3 pm after that I know that I have a meeting with Eduardo for a job in late summer. What I will do in between is anyones’ guess.

I’m not scared of what is to come, I’m just not sure he chose the right person. Let me give you a bit of a back story on my family. My uncle was the first son of my grandmother, then she had my aunt, left her husband for about three years, then had my mother, out of wedlock and what not. My mother’s father was a international business man in Europe. My mother never got to met him. My grandmother when back to her 1st husband and the rest is history. She had more kids but every one just went their own way. My uncle joined the church to become a priest. He has always had a soft spot for my mother even though they are only half siblings. Spanish tradition states that the next in line to get any estate would be ones offsprings, but seeing that he has none, it goes to the one next generation in line which would be my older cousin, but he has been ‘missing’ ever since I was five. Therefore I’m the one to receive this estate. It just seems that I’m receiving this because of all the problems in my family. I hate that Spanish tradition oversees the women of my family. I mean my mother could have gotten this seeing as she is the oldest living sibling. Heck he could have split the estate with all his siblings. Why give it to me? I don’t want to deal will this. I need to take a sedative…..

Late night-

Everything seems to have quite down around here; maybe that has to do that it’s 2 am. There really isn’t much to write about, I checked in and my room is awesome, I went out to check out the hot spots here and its very pretty. After that I came back to my hotel room and slept until an hour before my meeting with Eduardo. The meeting went well, we met a very upscale Euro club, called ‘la boca del diablo’ needless to say I had some drinks while talking business. in the middle of our informal interview I was ask to show my talents, I say it was ok with me. Eduardo informs me that the studio is only a couple blocks away.

We get there a bit slowly seeing that we had very good vodka, but I’m not drunk just a bit tipsy. He shows me his ‘Studio C.’ I all have to say is that if that is their studio c then I will wet myself if I see studio A. Then after is turned on I start mix on some raw material they had recorded a few days back. After about half an hour, he turns to me and tell me that, I have a very distinct mixing style. “You mix like a Brit with the grooves of a New Yorker and the kick of a LA kid.” I turned and told him, “I’m originally from LA, moved to New York and studied under a Brit.” Needless to say he was a tad impressed, and he like the way I spoke spanish. After about 15 minutes I finished the mix and I was told to expect a call in the next few days.

Right now, I’m trying not to think to hard about tomorrow. I need to focus on the task on hand, I need to go to the bank and then catch the train to Zamora, there I will do the rest of my business.

Day three-

I woke this morning to some light rain, I didn’t give it much thought seeing that it is winter and what not. I was nervous. I had anxiety but my meeting with the lawyer wasn’t until later of the day so I took another sedative, trying to calm my nerves. I got ready and when to the bank to see that all my finances are in order. This is the first time anyone in that bank sees me, it’s the first time I have ever been in that bank. To say the least I was a tad shocked when I went in and saw that this was not ordinary bank. This bank is a very upscale bank which only cater to the few and privileged, something I am not. I have an account due to the caring nature and high standing of my deceased uncle. This is the same bank where my trust is. But I cannot see what that trust is until I’m 21. It took me about 15 minute to get through security and then I had to show that I was who I say I am. They do not take a US ID at all, they say it too easy to fake. Therefore, I had to show my Spaniard Passport. It was just very weird, the bank teller and I had to turn keys to open the box where my transactions are stored. But everything seems to be in line with records.

After that I went out for some lunch, before I headed to Zamora for my meeting. As I caught the train, it hit me. What the hell am I doing? I could take this estate is given to me, drop out of school and just write my ticket in the US or even here in Europe. Then, questioned I myself. why I thought that.

The train trip was short, Zamora is about 150 kms ( about 75 miles) out side of Madrid. I got there and I did what I had originally planed, I gave them the letter from my lawyer saying that I didn’t want to know what the estate entailed, I would sign to validate the transfer of ownership, and I, in turn, would transfer ownership to my mother. What surprised me was that his lawyer knew that I was going to that. I was a bit shock to say the least. The estate will be in my mother name and she could do whatever she wants with it. But I was not called to Spain for the transfer of an estate. In his will, he clearly stated that I, Kenneth Roland Rodriguez (Spainish Passport, “Rolando Rodriguez”) will have his personal journals and a letter that will be given to me personally in this place.

Journals and a letter? I know most people might the wondering why? I don’t know. What I do know is that the letter was written the day before he died. It talk about how he admires my determination, and my strong will to break tradition to follow my dreams. He goes to explain that he knew he was dying but didn’t tell anyone, he didn’t want peoples pity. He ends with a heed of warning (translated in to english from spanish) “Live life without regrets, live your life and not the one your parents want for you. Sometimes you have to break tradition, disobey parents and just run away from everything to be truly happy.” As I read the letter, I could not stop the tears flowing from my eyes. This was a man I barely knew, but was saying exactly what I need to hear. I now regret not spending the time to know this great person. Maybe this is so ironically that I don’t understand; this person had to die for I to take and interest in his life, so my life can change.

I haven’t started reading the journals yet, and these aren’t any normal journals, these are those big leather bonded ones.

After all of this I headed to my aunts house and met my family once more, after ten years of absence.

Two of my cousin, Carolina and Veronica, where there so we went back to Madrid and , hit up a few of the colleges and crashed parties. Oh, did I mention that this is during Carnival? Hey its going to be the only night I will be able to get hammered, but I really know how to hold my liquor so I’m not that hammered.

Day Four -

Today was my last day in Spain. I really didn’t do much other than figuring out why my uncle wanted me to have his journals. I went back to Zamora to leave my cousin back at home and say good bye to my family here. Recapping on the whole experience I would had liked to visit without a reason, other than to see them. I enjoyed spending time with my cousins, Carolina and Veronica. I can’t believe I went party crashing with them.

As I read the most intimate thoughts of my uncle, I notice that he did not want to go into the church. The church was his only way out. According to him, he wanted to become a musician, but his parent disapproved of his aspirations of going into music instead of business. He went into the church as a way to still be involved in music as a priest that would be direct a choir or something like that.

Hopefully as I read more and more about his life I will come to understand how me and him are closer than I originally thought. As I go through my life, I now know that there are people that support my decision with breaking traditions, and cutting off parts of my family to ultimately being happy with my life’s work.

Hopefully when I get back to the States I will no longer be the person that blends-in in a crowd. I hope that I will be able to live my life without regrets and be able to go for the things I wouldn’t normally do.

I have learned much from my uncle…. May his soul be in peace. Uncle, I don’t know where you are, but all I can say is I miss you, even though I never really knew you.