Two weekends ago… Feeling down I went out looking for something. People usually say that one is down one should go to their happy place. Back when I lived in New York I used to go to Central Park to a statue of Alice in Wonderland. That somewhat helped cheering me up. But here in LA I really never had a place where I remember I was happy.

I went out for a drive but didn’t have a destination. After about two hours driving around LA. I ended up in my old neighborhood. See, I was not born with a silver spoon in my hand, heck I wasn’t born with metal spoon… it was probably wooden. I was born in the general hospital in LA. My parents, at the time, where living in East LA with both of them going to school full time while having full time jobs. Both of them made choices to give me and sister a better life… as I walked the streets of my old neighborhood, I wondered, why me?

There could have been other ones to have gotten out the ‘hood’. I haven’t forgotten where I come from. In this time in my life I have become very pensive in my next steps, that I will and should take.

This past weekend, I left a friends engagement party early, I drove to the airport and bought a last minute ticket to New York. I’m not going to lie, New York has been on my mind a lot lately. Mainly, because its really where I found my passion for music and developed in to the engineer that I am today. It’s where I found myself, finally learned my limits, I grew into man, and where I became self reliant. It was hard on me, living alone in a city where I knew no one. Yet, it was one of few times in my life that I can recall of being ‘happy’.

I was there, in Central Park, and saw the foliage… I felt the chill of autumn. I went to said statue, but it wasn’t the same. These were things that I thought I longed for, though when I was there they were just things. They didn’t change the way I am feeling. I was chasing after an emotion or a even a situation that I thought was going to make things right again. However, it didn’t happen. I learned that you can’t go back. I was ‘happy’ in New York but that was over four years ago. A lot has changed since then, people I knew have moved on with their lives. I myself, have changed.

Even though I was there just for a few days, it didn’t feel the same. I was trying to go back four years where I had everything under control. A time when I didn’t feel this way. I went out looking, just like the weekend before. Nevertheless, I didn’t find anything to give my weary heart peace.

It seems more and more like I am searching for something; a reason, a purpose, a cause, something to shake me out of this ineffable cafard. Just like the first chapter from Alice in Wonderland, “Down the Rabbit-Hole” I’m on an adventure into the unknown. It’s not the first time I’ve been in this situation; it’s just the first time that I can’t shake this feeling.

Hopefully I find that something.

Why express this?

Well, I’m not sure. I started to think that I keep to many things close to my chest. Most people say they really don’t know who I am. Maybe this a way to let people in.

I have facades, just like everyone else… I’m trying to slowly take them off to understand whom I really am. I am afraid that if I hide under these facades for much longer I will no longer be able to recognize myself in the mirror.

To clarify, I am just bit down, well very down. I’m still the same person, just taking some medicine to get me through the day. Depression is a disease… I am taking steps to get better.

People this is a clusterfuck, if I have ever seen one. Not in the history of finance have you ever seen so many banks fail and the government not able to do anything about it.

These are the fruits of some of the administrations doing. People, I encourage you to see outside the box and understand what is happening. It is not only our future that is at stake but of our children and their children.

I will explain a simple way how all of this came to be. The Administration lowers borrowing rates for banks. Banks borrow cheap money, which the government really doesn’t have, which in turn leads to inflation. More people want to buy houses, therefore the law of supply and demand sets in , the value of houses rises. Banks lend money to those that can’t afford it. The Housing market bubble burst, driving the cost of house well below of what it was a few days ago. People with major loans from banks no longer able to pay their mortgage file for bankruptcy, or foreclose on their home, or even skip town. Now the bank is left with the debt of the original home and the home to sell. But the bank cannot sell the house because there isn’t any money to lend to those that might be able to buy the house. The bank has to much debt to pay back to the government, it’s stock holders start selling of their shares… the bank then either goes bankrupt or get bought out by another bank. The government does not get its money, it either has to raise taxes to recoup it or dig itself into debt.

And that is just the simple example. The polices of this administration has basically left the common people in shambles while the rich have gotten richer.

I have been very silent on the political front, here on my blog. There are many reason I do such a thing. For one, I try not to convey, or provoke arguments, 2) I believe in a few things that most people that call themselves christians oppose and 3) I really think that discussing politic should be a civil conversation done face to face. But I will share my opinion. McCain will follow Bush’s policies, these exact same policies that has bankrupt our economy, the same policies that have given tax breaks to the rich, while the poor has to pay more to make up the difference. Over the last few years the rich has gotten richer, while the 90% of the country, the non-rich, has been getting poorer.

How much do you think it’s going to cost you, a citizen of the United States, for the government’s buyout of Freddie and Fannie?

These are things that happening right now and that will affect all of us. Stop being told what is going on and educate yourself in what is really happening. The only tool against fear is knowledge. Stop being manipulated by scare tactics and open your eyes to what is happening.

I have already made a personal commitment that if things do not improve in the next few years I will move to Europe where it seems like there is the only really economic growth. It is not something I have come up with lightly. While I am well off, I cannot say the same for everyone.

I would like to present to you, Paige.

After much debate and thought I decided that I will be staying in the LA area for the foreseeable future. So I have decide to purchase a car…. much to my father’s pressure it was a new car. The stock market has been good to me these last few months. So, instead of getting a loan, I was able to just buy it cash. I have to say that Lexus’ sales are down 40% over last year adding to the credit meltdown, due to these and other aspects I was able to get a good deal. Also, this the basic entry level car. No 20″ rims or flashy stuff, just the basics.

We, as people in this day and age, have become accustomed to get things instantaneous. IM, email, web, text. Information has become almost instantaneous. The way we travel, the way we have meals, even our interactions with other people have become a form to get to an end.

Discussing life with friends about my new course of action with my life, one theme keep on reappearing, Anxiety. People want to get on with their lives. People have plans on what they want to do but few see what it will take. Be it marriage, a career, or just getting out of their parents home. We all want to do something and soon. But patience is a virtue. Some thing we all need, something that cannot just be found but have to learn. and the only way to learn in to wait.

“All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope”
- Alexandre Dumas

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

“Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
- Saint Augustine

“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.”
- Brian Adams

In my past experiences I have seen my plans cut short in the nick of time. I have always had my life planned head at least a few months. But as everything, life isn’t always as one wants it. Things change, people change, people break up, you don’t get the job you want, etc.

What I gather from these experience and those around me is to start enjoying life for the sake of life. To live in the now and enjoy the time you have with others. Yes, we need to worry about the future, but not at the expense of today.

We all have dreams and that is a great thing, but we must not be anxious for things. We must pursue but not obsess. This is what I am slowly learning.

To that, I have decide to take a few classes at the local Community college. Before people jump to speculations and what not, I will be taking classes for fun, mainly personal interest like photography and typography. I have no long term plans. It seems a bit out of the ordinary that I have nothing to look forward to, but it reminds me to live in the moment. It reminds me that the journey and those that I meet are as, if not more, important than the destination. This is something life has tried to teach me in the last few years. Amazing that it had to take so much time and things to rattle my cage; to open my eyes to what I should have been doing for some time.

Reading some of my old notes/plans I came onto this quote and it really might be something I think of every day from now on.

“The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former and outgrow the latter.”
- Norman Cousins

It kind of ties with another quote I came by earlier.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
- Dalai Lama

Some people have notice that I don’t share a lot about life and there are good reason why I don’t, but I am willing to share a bit more.

1. I have a record that was sealed at the age of 18.
2. I don’t talk much about my family because it mainly involves drama.
3. I don’t like drama in my life.
4. I haven’t told any girlfriends that I love them, except one, but I’m not quite sure if it was true.
5. I have considered disowning myself from my family.
6. I am the way am is because I have been groomed to be someone I don’t want to be.
7. My parents are disappointed in my career choice, in turn, they are disappointed in me.
8. I’m a hopeless romantic. I can’t help it.
9. I don’t judge. I listen and let you carry on with your life.
10. Everything I own, bought, or have I have worked for and bought myself.
11. I hurt those around me. If I push you away, it means that I care and don’t want to hurt you.
12. I emancipated myself at age of 17 and moved to New York.
13. I lived in New York for a year on my own.
14. I moved back to LA to go to school at APU in January of 2005.
15. During the 3 years at APU, I tried to move 4 times.
16. I was kicked out of APU because of poor grades.
17. I can be heartless at times, but it always affects me.
18. Empathy is something I have learned to suppress even though sometimes it gets the best of me.
19. I am the only son, grandson, great grandson on my father’s side of the family because of tradition.
20. I do not hold a V-card.
21. In my younger years I did things that I am so ashamed of that I cannot repeat them.
22. I have broken up with girlfriends so they could be happy with other people.
23. I am in treatment for a genetic liver disease, NAFLD; specifically, NASH.
24. I had an obsession with watches because my father was always late to everything.
24. I can’t stand girls who are empty-headed. Or easy. Or ones who change themselves for their boyfriends. They all piss me off.
25. I am shunned from my mother side of the family because my mother is a bastard and I have the genetic trait that the Patriarch carries.
26. I never meet my grandfathers. They both died before I was born.
27. I met my great grandfather. He told me I would great things for the family. At this point in time I’m not quite sure about that.
28. When he died, he said good bye to me in dream. I later when down stairs and picked up the phone before it rang to be told that he had past away.
29. In recent years I have distanced myself from my own family.
30. I have a older half sister which is estrange from my father. They no longer talk to each other.
31. I learned to cook because of need not because I wanted to.
32. My mother has never approved of any girl I have brought home, excluding Claudia. Due to that I rarely introduce my girlfriends to my parents.
33. I usually disappear for a few days.
34. I have a will that no one can break.
35. I fight for what I believe in and usually get what I want, within reason.
36. I had an Uncle in the clergy. He died from the same liver disease I have.
37. I can’t remember the last time I cried.
38. I dislike most types of beer.
39. I have always had a connection with the “other side”. At age 3 had seen about 10 ghost.
40. I have premonitions ever now and then.
41. From time to time I randomly wake up at 3:11 am, the time I was born and the time my great grandfather died.
42. I’ve suffered for chronic depression since my soccer injury.
43. My soccer injury wouldn’t had happened if I wouldn’t had used epinephrin to dull the pain of soccer injuries.
44. I played soccer for 10 years. In those ten years my parents never made it to a single match.
45. My father taught me accounting at the age of 10.
46. I’ve been told that I am not boyfriend/husband material.
47. I dislike being vulnerable.
48. I have a 3mm tear on my right ACL. I have no plans in having surgery to “fix” it.
49. I suffer from Osteoarthritis, a degenerative joint disease.
50. I never bounced back from my soccer injury. It seems like that day is the day I died. This is what is left from that person.

⁹ A man’s heart plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

It’s been about two weeks since I was notified that I am no longer enrolled at APU. Since then I enjoyed a two great 4 day weekends where I was able to be with friends and talk to them about my options.

During the fist 4 day weekend I spent some time away from home, I checked into the new London West Hollywood (formerly the Bel Age Hotel) on Wednesday night and just tried to have a quiet and peaceful birthday. Spent the next day lounging around the suite, but after a while I called up a few friends for a nice intimate dinner at the new Gordon Ramsay Restaurant.

The next day some friends wanted to go find me a good present, but one thing lead to another; we walked into a Tesla Showroom in Santa Monica. For those that are unfamiliar, Tesla is a boutique car maker of electric cars. At the time being they are only producing one model, a sport car, that does 0-60 in less than 4 seconds, which is incredible for an electric car. So one thing lead to another; I took a test drive. I was a great drive, there was no engine noise, because there is no engine. It was smooth, but I was a bit put off because it an automatic. There is no way I would be able to afford one, they run about $92,000, but Tesla is in the process in making a sedan that will introduced later this year and model that will be around $30,000 by 2010.

The rest of the weekend was spent with old friends for High school in Laguna and Newport. Overall, it was a nice weekend and was able to spend much needed time with people I hadn’t seen in a long time.

During this past weekend I was given the opportunity to fly out to Miami and do a few mixes for a studio. Seeing that I was going to be in Miami, I decided to check out FullSail, a vocational school that has just been granted University status. On July 3rd I get to Miami with some of my close friends at 6 am. I try get directions to FullSail and right there as I am getting out of the plane it hits me. FullSail is in Winter park, a suburb of Orlando, not Miami. I raced down to the ticket counter to ask if there is any flight leaving to Orlando soon. Luckily a plane was going to leave at 7.

I got there on time and took a campus tour. I have to mention this because it somewhat relevant; this is a school that has been pursuing me for the past 4 years. Even when I was at APU I would get emails from their Admission counselors and their staff. I had accepted their offers to start in January of 2006 but that never came to pass.

This is my first time seeing their facilities, which have been greatly expanded in the last few years. As I looked at the amount of quality equipment they have, sat in labs, and lectures, I could only see that these people are being trained to be technical and giving a type of formula to mix. While it might work in a few places, I strongly disagree with this type of teaching. I have always believed that musicality is the most important thing.

Either way, after a while I got to talking to the staff and they wanted to see what my skill are like. They fired up one of their mixing board and their Pro Tools HD with 7 HD racks and what not. I did my thing. I took me a while, mainly because I wasn’t quite happy how the acoustic guitar was recorded and had to “fix it in the mix” with tons of EQ and plug-ins. They gave me some criticism on some of the things I am sloppy on. They where mostly on fence on my mixing style, some of them really liked it, while some where not quite fond of it. To remind people what I am going to talk about there are three main styles of mixing, LA, New York and London. This does not mean that there are no other ways of mixing it just state they are the main styles. Quick back story, I started mixing in LA; move to New York managed and recorded a band; had a mentor, he was british. I basically have a type of fusion of all there styles with some added things here and there to really make it more of an art form and try to make it musical, instead of a cookie cutter type of process.

They where a bit impressed that I mixed in British EQ. and that I used a when plug-in that are intended for specific things for completely different tasks. After all was done they asked if I can start next month. I’m not too sure about this. Talking frankly with one of the professors there, he said that they really can’t tech me much. I would get an Associate degree in a year but then I would be in the same place I am now. Then he brought up a good point, they have a really Music Business degree. That has somewhat sparked my interest.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do. I was talking to Austin, I might have come up with an epiphany, God hasn’t let me move from LA in 4 years, and even though I am no longer at APU, I doubt that has changed.

Also for those that have been asking for pictures of Hawaii, and summer, they might be up in a few days on flickr and a few on facebook. I am sorry that I have been a bit late on delivery but I have been a tad busy and you know, trying to do something with life.

I will endure…

en·dure (en-dr’, -dyr’)

To carry on through, despite hardships; undergo

To bear with tolerance

To suffer patiently without yielding.

My experiences at APU have been great. I enjoyed my myself very much so, and I would not trade the friendships and the people I met there. I did not dedicate myself to the school work. I took things for granted and now, I have to suffer the consequences . All things come to an end. I was there on borrowed time and my time is up.

I usually succeed at everything I do, so to fail has really impacted me in ways I did not know it would. Just as a precaution, I am once more on anti-depressants (low dose, two pills). It was bit hard seeing that I was in a middle of a recording project when I got the call. I had to leave my emotions and my personal life at the door.

I’m not sure what my next course of action will be; if I will be taking classes in the fall at a community college, to return at a later date. There is no possible way I could go to another university to finish my music degree seeing that APU Music programs is vastly different than other Music programs. I’ve been in talks with people with connections in Miami for work and FullSail has always caught my eye as a good vocational school. There is also Musician Institute, or what works for most people, just get out there and work.

It seems like I was a fool to think that a simple audio engineer could be a musician. I started at APU very minimal knowledge of music and musicality, most of what I did was a gut feeling. I now leave APU with a greater understanding of why music is powerful medium.

Thanks to those that knew and prayed for me.

Thanks to those that stopped in halls to have a small chat.

Earlier this month I started with the motto,

“The actions that will take place in the next few days/weeks will impact my life greatly. Today might be the first day of new life.”

These words have never been so real in my life. These past few weeks have been hard with work, family, and school. Some things will never be the same, some will be the same forever

Work has been an constant struggle, the amount of paperwork, countless hour spent on meeting, having the project’s budget cut by a third, writing proposals for better recording equipment. The list goes on and on. I’ve been able to keep things on track by working a lot more than the usual 40 hour work week, which as most of you know, does not apply to musicians. I have a passion for this because it’s something I’m good at and that why I do not mind all the work.

There has begun a big divided in my family over what will happen if my grandfather, on my mother’s side, passes away. There are certain “guidelines” and “traditions” that has been passed down generation to generation for some time now. Our family is traditional in the sense that there is a patriarch and that such of thing. There are those that wish for the family to continue the tradition in the patriarchy system and those (read: younger branches of the the family tree) that wish to go about their lives without tradition, calling it “an outdated form of living” and “a way of controlling people’s lives.” My personal opinion, I would greatly wish to be able to just step back and let them do what each choses. But, as everyone in a family, I have my responsibilities and I must see them through.

School… School… The whole down but not out, situation. More to come as things become clearer. Maybe, I was naive to think that a simple humble audio engineer could be a musician. I was expected to be able to learn countless techniques and skills that most had been developing for years in matter of weeks/months without any prior training. Things are still in the balance and I will do anything to see if I could accomplish my feat in showing those that audio engineers are more than just gear sluts or people that just turn knobs, but are musician themselves.

Why am I doing this? I don’t know. Usually people choose the path of least resistance, while I choose the ones with the most. It’s also seems like I am doing this to prove something or out of spite, which is part of my personality. But, you would think I would have learn my lesson by now?

As I said prior, I am broken. Maybe this is my way of showing people that even though I am broken I can function as person, sometimes even better than most. Maybe this a away of being humbled and you becoming more tolerable of failure; the whole life lesson things that we all have to learn sooner or later.

Hopefully I will learn which one and have an answer by the end of the summer.