In my last post I did not go into detail about school. I merely stated that I was down but not out. Well, now I’ve been kicked when I’m down. I’m going to be completely honest. Originally, I was going to talk about how I needed some time to devote to my career and that a sabbatical would do me some good, but why lie and cover things up that sooner or later will come out into the light. I would like to inform you that I have been dismissed for APU due to poor grades. I petitioned and pleaded my case to be reinstated. Even though it was a valid reason and made a compelling argument it was denied because I wasn’t able to complete 24 units in one school year.

My experiences at APU have been great. I enjoyed my myself very much so, and I would not trade the friendships and the people I met there. I did not dedicate myself to the school work. I took things for granted and now, I have to suffer the consequences . All things come to an end. I was there on borrowed time and my time is up.

I usually succeed at everything I do, so to fail has really impacted me in ways I did not know it would. Just as a precaution, I am once more on anti-depressants (low dose, two pills). It was bit hard seeing that I was in a middle of a recording project when I got the call. I had to leave my emotions and my personal life at the door.

I’m not sure what my next course of action will be; if I will be taking classes in the fall at a community college, to return at a later date. There is no possible way I could go to another university to finish my music degree seeing that APU Music programs is vastly different than other Music programs. I’ve been in talks with people with connections in Miami for work and FullSail has always caught my eye as a good vocational school. There is also Musician institute, or what works for most people, just get out there and work. .

It seems like I was a fool to think that a simple audio engineer could be a musician. I started at APU very minimal knowledge of music and musicality, most of what I did was a gut feeling. I now leave APU with a greater understanding of why music is powerful medium.

Thanks to those that knew and prayed for me.

Thanks to those that stopped in halls to have a small chat.

This post will be vague intentionally. It’s more just for me, to be able to write down some things down, to express some of my thoughts and events that are happening in my life without going into details.

Earlier this month I started with the motto,

“The actions that will take place in the next few days/weeks will impact my life greatly. Today might be the first day of new life.”

These word have never been so real in my life. These past few weeks have been hard with work, family, and school. Some things will never be the same, some will be the same forever

Work has been an constant struggle, the amount of paperwork, countless hour spent on meeting, having the project’s budget cut by a third, writing proposals for better recording equipment. The list goes on and on. I’ve been able to keep things on track by working a lot more than the usual 40 hour work week, which as most of you know, does not apply to musicians. I have a passion for this because it’s something I’m good at.

There has begun a big divided in my family over what will happen if my grandfather, on my mother’s side, passes away. There are certain “guidelines” and “traditions” that has been passed down generation to generation for some time now. Our family is traditional in the sense that there is a patriarch and that such of thing. There are those that wish for the family to continue the tradition in the patriarchy system and those (read: younger branches of the the family tree) that wish to go about their lives with out tradition, calling it an outdated form of living and a way of controlling people’s lives. My personal opinion, I would greatly wish to be able to just step back and let them do what each choses. But, as everyone in a family, I have my responsibilities and I must see them through.

School… school…. the whole down but not out situation. More to come as things become clearer. Maybe, I was naive to think that a simple humble audio engineer could be a musician. I was expected to be able to learn countless techniques and skills that most had been developing for years in matter of weeks/months without any prior training. Things are still in the balance and I will do anything to see if I could accomplish my feat in showing those that audio engineers are more than just gear sluts or people that just turn knobs, but are musician themselves.

Why am I doing this? I don’t know. Usually people choose the path of least resistance, while I choose the ones with the most. It’s also seems like I am doing this to prove something or out of spite, which is part of my personality. But you would think I would have learn my lesson by now?

As I said prior, I am broken. Maybe this is my way of showing people that even though I am broken I can function as person, sometimes even better than most. Maybe this a away of being humbled and you becoming more tolerable of failure; the whole life lesson things that we all have to learn sooner or later.

Hopefully I will learn which one and have an answer by the end of the summer.

About two years ago I designed this image to remind me of my aspirations, a way to focus on the task at hand.

Two years later, I haven’t the faintest idea what the future holds. I’m going to be realistic here, it scares the crap out of me. But, as a person that I am, it intrigues me. Many of people I knew two years ago have gone on with their lives, many have graduated from APU and have relocated. There are those that were friends that have moved away, those that have gone overseas and then there are those whom we just lost contact.

Life is an ever changing environment and everyday is a new opportunity to be better than the day before.

I may not know what is to come but I know one thing, I will continue my to pursue my dreams.

I hope you will do the same.